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When you think about your penis, lots of things might come to mind: "Do I have a normal penis?" We've all heard the jokes, the blatant references in our favorite movies, and seen the phallic imagery peppered into pop culture in general. In our society, penises are basically everywhere in a way that vulvas and vaginas just aren't (when's the last time you heard a great vagina joke on TV?). While penises may be more openly talked about in our society than vulvas, they're often talked about in ways that are harmful and downright inaccurate. There are tons of societal pressures that say penises should look and behave a certain way, and that can lead to insecurities. In other words, we have this idea of a "normal" penis. The good news is, these pressures are usually based on myths, not facts — and there's no such thing as a normal penis. Here are a few common misconceptions about penises that are neither helpful nor true.
Porn provides an accurate depiction of penises
Based on porn, you might think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a big penis that can always get and stay hard and last as long as you want. But it’s important to remember that porn doesn't always reflect reality.
“Just like with every other body part we have, penises grow in all shapes and sizes and we didn’t get to choose, so if your penis looks different from a porn performer’s, that’s totally normal,” says sex educator Anne Hodder-Shipp, who's certified by the American College of Sexologists. “Expecting our bodies to look like the ones we watch in porn is like expecting our driving skills to be the same as the ones we watch in the Fast & Furious movies — it’s just not fair to ourselves to have expectations like that.”
Having a penis means you’re a man
No matter what body parts you have, you get to define your own gender identity. There are men without penises, and there are people with penises who don’t identify as men. “Being a man has less to do what’s on the outside and everything to do with how we feel on the inside,” says Hodder-Shipp. “Having a penis means you have a penis, something you pee out of and probably gets erect and also probably feels good when you touch it. That is what it means to have a penis. What it means to be a man is way more layered than that.”
Penises are simple
You often hear that penises are simpler than vulvas, but there’s a lot more to penises than pop culture might have you believe. Often, how you’re feeling can affect the way your penis behaves, says New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., author of Love Worth Making and host of the "Relationship Doctor" podcast on Macmillan Publishers' QDT Network. It’s common, for example, to have trouble getting and staying hard when you’re with a partner if you’re not totally comfortable. That means the expectation that people with penises can always get erect, or that they will always have an orgasm during sex, aren't exactly true.
On the flip side, there are also a variety of ways to pleasure a penis, says Hodder-Shipp. While myth might have you believe that all it takes is a stroke here and a pump there for a penis-haver to experience pleasure, it can be much more varied than that. Knowing the penis anatomy and experimenting can help you figure out what feels best for you.
It’s not normal to have insecurities about your penis
People may not always feel comfortable talking about their penis insecurities, but that doesn’t mean a lot of people don’t have them. “It’s normal to have insecurities about all parts of our bodies — penises included — because we receive so many messages about how they should look, feel, or function,” says Hodder-Shipp. “We don’t often get a lot of helpful accurate information about our bodies, so we end up looking at others’ (or photos online) to compare and contrast. Unfortunately, this often ends up making us feel even more insecure. However, your penis looks exactly how it’s supposed to, and don’t let anyone or anything else tell you otherwise.”
The bigger, the better
Contrary to the image of penises that porn presents, the average penis is about 3.6 inches flaccid and about five inches erect, according to a 2014 study published in The British Journal of Urology International. It’s also perfectly normal to be smaller — and that doesn’t make you a bad lover. Being a good sexual partner is much more about your actions than your anatomy. Hodder-Shipp uses this analogy: “If I want to be an amazing tennis player, I can’t just purchase the same racket that Serena or Venus Williams uses and start swinging. I have to figure out how to use it — it takes practice, commitment, and willingness to make mistakes and learn from them.”
Being circumcised or uncircumcised is better for your sex life
You might have heard you’ll have more sexual pleasure if you’re circumcised — or you might have heard the opposite. The reason there are so many mixed messages is that there’s really no data making either case, says Hodder-Shipp. “People with intact penises and circumcised penises both experience sexual pleasure — and with satisfied partners,” she says. “Good sex doesn’t result from the shape of the equipment between your legs but rather how the person uses it.”
It's also perfectly normal to be either circumcised or not. According to the Mayo Clinic, people with circumcised penises might be at a lower risk of contracting certain STIs, getting urinary tract infections, and more, but circumcision is not medically necessary (except in certain cases where the foreskin is too tight). While we're on the subject, another myth worthy of busting is that uncircumcised penises are dirty or gross. With proper hygiene, there's no difference in the cleanliness of a circumcised or uncircumcised penis. So the idea that uncircumcised penises are inherently unhygienic? Totally not true.
Your penis has to last really long for you to be a good lover
There’s a lot of pressure on those with penises to make sex last as long as possible. While some want penetration to last a long time, others are more interested in other activities, like oral sex, says Snyder. The pressure to last long often comes up when discussing penis-in-vagina intercourse, so it’s important to know that most people with vaginas don’t orgasm through penetration no matter how long you last, says Hodder-Shipp. “There’s so much focus on penises going into vaginas and not enough on what actually helps people with vaginas reach orgasm: external clitoral stimulation and communication.”
Sex toys aren't for those with penises
When you think of sex toys, you usually think of products like vibrators or dildos that are made for those with vaginas. But there are also lots of toys for those with penises to experiment and explore. “There’s a huge market for sex toys made for penises, and these geniuses have been making some really fun and exciting stuff, including soft and supple strokers that look and feel lifelike, simple and squishy sleeves that enhance your hand, taco-shaped vibrators that can be enjoyed with or without an erection, and even high-tech masturbators that stroke up and down automatically with no hands required,” says Hodder-Shipp.
The bottom line is that all penises are different, and people have all different feelings about and experiences with their penises. If yours is causing you physical discomfort, or you've noticed changes like new smells or sores, talk to a doctor. Otherwise, chances are it’s absolutely fine.
