This was published 9 years ago
About last night: My daughter has a habit of putting her hands down her pants
Children need to be taught some practices are best kept private.
By Maureen Matthews
Q: My daughter (5) has a habit of putting her hand down her pants, even when other people are around. Often, it's when she's engrossed in TV or something, and she doesn't even seem aware of it. I don't want to give her hang-ups by telling her off, but it's embarrassing, and a bit of a worry in public when you do not know how others are reacting (especially potential paedophiles). I've also noticed that she seems a bit sore down there at times. How should I handle this?
Be honest and gentle with children when discussing sex education.
AThis is one of those situations that need to be handled carefully. Children love touch and are completely uninhibited. If something feels nice, they will do it. They haven't learnt about social norms, taboos, or shame. They learn how to interact with others as they socialise, and we, as parents, need to prepare them for the wider world before someone reacts in a way that is crushing or shaming.
To start with, take her to see your doctor. She might have a yeast infection, or vulvovaginitis. This is an inflammation or irritation of the delicate skin of the genital area. Sometimes girls with vulvovaginitis have a slight discharge, which will stain the underpants and produce a strong odour. You can help to reduce the inflammation by avoiding synthetic underwear and tight leggings or tights. Avoid washing the area with soap or using strongly scented toilet paper or harsh laundry powder.
If there is nothing wrong, you need to talk to her about appropriate behaviour at different times and in different places. Make it clear that what she is doing isn't wrong, but it might be private. Gently explain there are some activities best practised when you are alone: nose picking, bum-scratching, scab removal, and playing with your genitals. By grouping these together you are not focusing on sexual behaviour alone. For older children, this can be extended to include loud belching, farting and swearing.
When a child is very young, this behaviour can seem cute, or funny. Avoid laughing and commenting, especially in a social setting, otherwise the child can be confused or humiliated.
Do not cry out, slap the hand away, or do anything that communicates strong disapproval or anxiety. This can leave a damaging memory and cause the child to believe that sex is bad or naughty. Instead, choose a quiet time, and explain calmly that other people do not want to see some things, so save them for when you are alone. By talking openly about a range of behaviours, she will learn about general decorum, not that her genitals are taboo.
She will continue to be curious about her body. Be prepared for questions about her genitals. It is best to answer these questions as they come, and at the child's level. Don't overload her with more information than she asks for at this age, but try not to get flustered either. By being low-key now, you will give your daughter permission to talk to you as other questions and issues arise.
This is a good opportunity to talk to her about personal boundaries.
She is the boss of her body, and no one is allowed touch her without her permission. Talk about "stranger danger".
Family Planning Queensland has a great book for children, Everyone's Got a Bottom. Frank, but gentle, it gives some early sex education, as well as teaching about personal protection. Copies can be bought at fpq.com.au.
Too many people's intimate lives have been crippled by sexual shame, learnt in childhood. By teaching your daughter about courtesy and self-respect, without implying that sexuality is bad, you will be helping her to grow into a well-balanced woman.