Chances are, the phrase ‘tantric sex’ conjures up the thought of something unattainable: mystical love-making or days-long sexcapades. But it’s not as far-fetched as you might think. “Tantric sex is a way of making love that is more about the process than the outcome,” says Cheryl Fraser, PhD, a clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and author of Buddha’s Bedroom.
In tantric sex, rather than racing to the finish (an orgasm), for example, you embrace the entire experience of sex, something that allows you to fully enjoy (and experience) the process, and—while it sounds paradoxical—have better orgasms, she explains.
It can also help you grow closer to your partner. “Tantra allows us to connect on a deeper level physically because the body and mind are not involved in ‘getting’ somewhere,” says Janet McGeever, a sexuality educator and co-author of Tantric Sex and Menopause. Being in the present, in essence, strengthens your bond.
Intrigued? Here, we explain what exactly tantric sex is and how to enjoy it with your partner, according to experts.
What is tantric sex, exactly?
The basis of tantric sex, ‘tantra’ is an ancient spiritual tradition which originated in India. Each style or lineage has different methods, practices, or techniques, says Devi Ward Erickson, a tantra expert, sex coach, and founder of the Institute of Authentic Tantra Education.
“Traditionally, the word tantra means ‘to weave,’” she says. This refers to a very particular type of yogic practice. As you develop skills and capacity, you can perform these yogic practices sexually for the purpose of accessing and enriching the “energy body,” she explains.
Tantric sex has deep roots in many traditions that are thousands of years old, such as Hinduism, Buddhist tantric practices, and Taoist practices, that elevated lovemaking to a major erotic art, adds Fraser. “There’s another much more esoteric meaning that really comes from a meditation state where sex is used as an energy source to reach enlightenment, empty of all negative phenomenon.”
Today, though, tantra is generally understood as a more sacred, mindful form of sex you can have using intimate practices (a la eye-gazing, breathing exercises, or massage).
All tantric sex methods specifically—from traditional religious practices to more modern versions—are designed to deepen and enhance the experience of love, compassion, and intimacy, Erickson says.
How to have amazing tantric sex
Tantric sex isn’t one set process or even a collection of tantric sex positions—in fact, any position can be a tantric sex position, says Charles Muir, director of the Source School of Tantra Yoga in Kahului, HI and author of Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving. Keep reading for 13 ways you and your partner can add tantra to your sex life.
1. Prep your bedroom
Because tantric sex sessions are all about the experience, acing the ambience is important. “The bedroom is a place for lovemaking, so you want to set up an environment with some romance,” says Muir. Play soft music, dim the lights, and even consider creating an altar space beside your bed with soothing objects and flickering candles. If you’ve got a spare bedroom in your home, you could even dedicate this space to your tantric sex practice, says Muir.
2. Try a tantric breathing exercise
New to tantric sex? “A really wonderful and simple exercise for beginners is called tantric union breathing,” says Erickson. Naked or with your clothes still on, sit or lie with your partner. Or, to up the intimacy, sit in a traditional tantric position called ‘yab yum’: Sit facing each other with the male or ‘yang’ partner cross-legged on a pillow or cushion, and the female or ‘yin’ partner sitting on their lap.
Then, make eye contact and harmonize your breathing patterns—breathe in, hold, and breathe out for about five seconds each, advises Muir. Slowing your breathing together ups your connection and physically relaxes you by stimulating your vagus nerve (one of the cranial nerves that connect your brain and body).
3. Spoon and breathe
To sink deeper into the mood, lie together in the spoon position with one of you holding the other from behind for a few minutes. Try to breathe in sync, says Muir. “This position aligns and harmonizes the centers of energy (chakras) and allows for transmission, exchange, and circulation of energy between the partners.”
4. Take things super slow
Instead of speeding through things, give yourself a challenge: Move slower than you’ve ever moved before, suggests Muir. Not only can this help you stay in the present moment, but you might discover new parts about your partner you weren’t previously aware of. When you’re ready to start intercourse, consider having your partner enter you millimeter by millimeter, advises McGeever.
Tantric Sex Books to Explore
Tantric Sex and Menopause: Practices for Spiritual and Sexual Renewal
Tantra: The Art of Conscious Loving
Buddha's Bedroom: The Mindful Loving Path to Sexual Passion and Lifelong Intimacy
5. Try the side tantric sex position
“One position we use a lot is the side position, where the man lies sideways and the woman wraps her legs around him with their genitals engaging,” says McGeever. “It’s a way to create more sensitivity.” Keep it sensual and slow to further sink into relaxation with your partner.
6. Focus on the breasts
The nipples have hundreds of nerve endings. Furthermore, the breasts and pecs connect to the heart chakra, opening you up to greater feelings of emotional love and pleasure, Muir says. That’s why they deserve a little TLC. Consider heating lotion up in the microwave or in your hands and massaging your partner’s chest (and having them do the same to you).
7. Spend some time on top
In-and-out jackhammer sex barely stimulates the clitoris, says Muir, especially when you’re underneath your partner (a big waste of an area packed with nerve endings). But one tantric yoga sex position in particular can help: Get on top of your partner and stretch into the cobra pose, arching your spine back with your hands out. This creates additional pressure from your partner’s pubic bone, allowing you to better stimulate yourself with side to side motions as he moves in and out.
8. Take mini eye contact breaks
Tantric sex allows you to dissolve ‘you’ and ‘me’ into ‘we,’ says Fraser, and that’s where quality eye contact comes into play. From time to time, take a moment to pause, pull back from each other, and make sure you’re fully rooted in the present moment, she suggests. Look into each other’s eyes, share a few tantric breaths, smile, and soften your gaze.
9. Visualize sexual energy spreading throughout your body
As you’re making love, it can be tempting to turn all of your focus down there, tuning out the potential for pleasure throughout your body. Instead, aim to absorb these sensations and circulate them upward, says McGeever—something that can help you experience all-over, in-the-moment pleasure.
One suggestion: Visualize a ball of white light and energy in your perineum (the area between your anus and vaginal lining or scrotum), a major energy base point in the tantric system, says Fraser. Move the light up your spine, expanding into your heart and mind, and spreading throughout your entire body, from your toes to the tip of your head.
10. Don’t lose yourself in fantasy
It’s easy to swoon into fantasy at the brink of orgasm. But by doing this, you disconnect from your real-life experience and partner. The tantric fix? As you feel yourself moving closer to orgasm, challenge yourself to stay conscious with what’s happening here and now, advises Fraser. Open your eyes and share your orgasm with your partner. “This can be intimate and even a little intimidating,” she says. You may even lose your mojo because you’re used to closing your eyes. But practicing this moves you closer to being able to share energy back and forth, both physically and emotionally, she explains.
11. Do a little solo exploration
By yourself, try clenching your kegel muscles then letting them go. “All of us experience a little something when we do that,” says Fraser. “There’s power there; we feel energy there.” Becoming aware of what she calls a “storehouse of energy” can help you take advantage of it all throughout your sexual experiences, deepening your pleasure.
12. Touch your partner for five minutes every day
“Try to include these types of touch, varying the speed and intensity,” suggests Muir who notes that they open the body up for more tantric exchange: “stillness, moving caress, circling, kneading, and gentle pinching, scratching, slapping, and tapping.”
Focus all over the body, front and back, he notes. “By alternating Yin (slow, light, and small areas) with Yang (faster, deeper pressure and broader strokes), you ‘capture’ your partner’s brain attention, so they stay present and feel more.” Five minutes is enough time to feel the energy and passion of the experience, Muir notes.
13. Be patient!
Remember: Tantra’s about enjoying the process. So don’t be intimidated if you try a few tactics that throw you off your game, says Fraser. (You might look into your partner’s eyes, feel too weird, and not be able to come.) “You’re learning something new, and if you want to become adept at anything, there’s going to be some trial and error,” she says. Taking things lightly, enjoying the exploration, and trying to let go of any desired outcomes can help take the stress off, she says.
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Cassie Shortsleeve is a skilled freelance journalist with more than a decade of experience reporting for some of the nation's largest print and digital publications, including Women's Health, Parents, What to Expect, The Washington Post, and others. She is also the founder of the digital motherhood support platform Dear Sunday Motherhood and a co-founder of the newsletter Two Truths Motherhood and the maternal rights non-profit Chamber of Mothers. She is a mom to three daughters and lives in the Boston suburbs.
