A Casual Fan's Ranking of (Nearly) Every Sport in the Summer Olympic Games
From table tennis to badminton to water polo, we've made the ultimate armchair ranking for the Tokyo Games.
I need you to imagine this scene. It's a random weekday night, let's call it 9 o'clock. You've just finished dinner. Maybe you called your mom after. Talked to her for a bit. Finished folding your clothes, because you did your laundry, too. Somewhere along the way, you walk past your TV. You hear sports noises. Looks like your roommate is watching the Olympics. Huh. You wonder what's going on with that. You should just go to bed—but wait.
Now, think really hard: Which sport would make you sit down and never get back up?
Well, friend. Today, I've invited you here, to my humble abode, where I've ranked the Summer Olympics sports* from worst to best. This ranking—and this is important—is made for the person who only watches the odd and varied feats that we call the Olympics once every four years. The one who doesn't know how the rules of water polo work, but will stay up until 3 a.m. to see its gold medal match. The viewer who will not watch a single leg of the triathlon because it reminds them of the last time they tried to jog, which was three months ago. This person just wants to have a beer (or three) and tell that roommate about how Katie Ledecky went to high school 15 minutes away from theirs.
Cheers, my intrepid viewer. Maybe one of the sports on this list will make a fan out of you.
* For the sake of my sanity (and yours), this is not a ranking of the 300+ individual events. This list has been pared down to the different sports alone, with certain events and disciplines grouped together.
32) Shooting
Quality marksmanship, executed purely for sport, is impressive. But here in America, we'd welcome the idea of going a day without having to think about a gun.
31) Weightlifting
I respect the gains. I really do. But I can't bring myself to turn on NBC and watch the very thing I actively avoid seeing—Random Acts of Swoleness—at my local Planet Fitness.
30) Decathlon
See the next item. Add more events. These poor. poor people.
29) Triathalon
There are some Olympic events that are painful to watch, simply because its competitors look like they're in pain. And the triathlon is an hours-long display of heat exhaustion and the disintegration of human will.
28) Handball
Can someone explain handball to me?
27) Rowing
Row, row, row your boat. gently down the stream, merrily merrily, merrily, merrily, I'm a little bored.
26) Softball/Baseball
Until a league like the MLB approves an extended All-Star break so guys like Shohei Ohtani and Fernando Tatis, Jr. can join in on the fun, it'll be hard to justify airplay for our great pastime.
25) Archery
Archery had its moment when The Hunger Games debuted during the same year as the London Olympics. That moment is over.
24) Cycling
Maybe I still have a bad taste in my mouth from the lady who single-handedly ruined the Tour de France, or maybe it's that I find any random Peloton instructor more interesting than the stars of the sport, but I can't bring myself to get hyped for cycling this year.
23) BMX
Same two-wheeled aversion goes here, but with bonus points for those Sick Jumps™.
22) Field Hockey
In spirit, field hockey is a little bit like lacrosse—it's the random sport you tried in your freshman year of high school and quit a few weeks later. It looks cool! Just maybe not something you'll stick with.
21) Golf
Even though we're excited to see pros like our man Rory McIlroy take to the links, we've been watching the best golfers in the world compete all summer in the PGA Tour—so the Olympics don't feel quite as special.
20) Rugby
Rugby is the best Olympic sport that you definitely don't understand. They scored? They scored! Has anyone ever secretly hoped that an NFL guy like Saquon Barkley or Aaron Rodgers would guest-star on the U.S. team?
19) Martial Arts
Wrestling, taekwondo, judo, boxing! What can I say? We love a good fight.
18) Basketball
Olympic basketball, at least from an American perspective, has been going downhill for years now. The good ol' red-white-and-blue can hardly field a team this year. Still, hoops is always a fun watch, and it'd be rich to see an underdog like the Czech Republic upset the field.
17) Surfing
Even if we understand how scoring in surfing works less than we do in gymnastics, it's still a thrill to watch mortals battle the elements for our enjoyment.
16) Soccer
The Olympics will always play second fiddle to the World Cup, as far as global soccer showdowns go. But we'll never turn down an opportunity to see the U.S. Women's National Team get together again.
15) Sailing
It's refreshing to know that there's a pastime as humble as sailing that counts as an Olympic sport. Ernest Hemingway could've been an Olympian, for god's sake!
14) Tennis
Tennis also falls into the we-see-it-enough-during the year camp, but has an edge since we'll see all-timers like Novak Djokovic and Naomi Osaka play. We're bummed that Coco Gauff had to drop out due to a positive COVID test, though.
13) Diving
Diving is about as terrifying as an Olympic sport gets, which makes it the sport you'll most likely sit down and watch for three hours if your roommate happens to have it on.
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