Are We Dating? 5 Ways to Tell Once and for All, According to Experts

Trying to figure out your relationship status with someone isn’t always easy, especially in the age of digital dating, when every text and social media post can be painfully analyzed. Between the awkward mixed signals and shy conversations that plague many budding romances, it can be difficult to know when to bring up the topic of your relationship status or if you're really dating someone. The trajectory of every partnership is different, and it’s not uncommon if you find yourself thinking about—or agonizing over—where you and your partner fall on the relationship spectrum or where your current connection is possibly heading.

"New relationships involve lots of questions, and many people struggle with this topic," says psychologist Ari Tuckman. "Dating apps make it really easy to be talking to and going out with multiple people at a time, so this question has become increasingly relevant over the last decade."

Fortunately, we've drawn advice from dating experts to round up five key ways that can help you understand where you stand with your partner, so you no longer have to wonder, “Are we dating?”

Defining Dating

Before you can determine whether or not you're dating someone, you need to understand what the word "dating" truly means—or, more importantly, what it doesn't mean. "Dating is not the same as a relationship and I think that people get the two mixed up and are then left disappointed," says Wale Okerayi, a relationship counselor. "Dating is the precursor to a relationship."

That's easy enough to understand—but what becomes tricky is deciding whether or not "dating" means something more serious or casual. According to Dr. Sherrie Allen, a depth psychologist and relationship coach, there's some nuance here, and age tends to have an impact. "Dating today has become ambiguous," she says, pointing to 20-somethings who see it as a chance to explore their options, while those in their 30s might see it as a more serious means to find a partner with core values that match their own. Age aside, if your goal is a serious, exclusive relationship, dating is the first step—and it's up to you to determine whether this phase is easy-breezy or more intentional.

Getting on the Same Page When Dating Someone

Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with communicating what dating means to you to someone you're seeing—in fact, it's good to get on the same page early on to ensure your intentions are aligned. "I recommend you clarify your intention before you start dating. That way, everyone knows the expectations," says Dr. Allen. "When you clarify your intention for dating with a goal towards a committed relationship, then no one is surprised when questions come up regarding next steps."

Signs That You're Dating Someone

There are several direct and indirect ways to determine whether or not you're dating someone.

You Spend a Lot of Time Together

If you’re wondering if you and your partner are unofficially dating each other, take a closer look at the time that you spend together. Do you only hang out at 2 a.m. after a late-night text in which this person invites you over? Or do you spend multiple days and nights with one another throughout the week? When you’re dating someone, the two of you will want to spend as much time as you can together—and will put in every effort to plan dates and outings. "You are seen out together as a twosome frequently at least twice weekly or more," affirms Dr. Allen. "You are consistently making time for each other to cultivate your relationship as a couple."

You Talk About the Future

When you’re trying to figure out if you’re dating, it’s important to pay attention to the content of your conversations, especially when it comes to discussing your future together. Are you both planning ahead to set up times to hang out, inviting each other to events that are months away, or even discussing going on a trip together?

When you’re actually dating someone, conversations and plans for the future will come naturally. But if you notice that your partner is avoiding these kinds of topics, is vague about planning anything far-off, and refuses to think about anything past a few days or even hours from right now, it's unlikely that you're dating someone.

You’ve Met Each Other’s Friends 

If you’re dating someone, it’s not uncommon to introduce each other to your respective group of friends—in fact, it's something you look forward to doing. "There is accountability from both people to share each other with your communities," adds Dr. Allen. "Those around you regard you as a dating couple." However, if you’ve noticed that you haven’t met any of their crew and that this person tends to avoid the topic whenever possible, you’re likely not yet at that dating phase.

In most circumstances, when you’re actually dating someone, you’ll want to introduce them to your friend group—not only to find out what your friends think of your partner, but also to see how they fit in with the other important people in your life. For example, is this person fun, engaging, and outgoing when they're with your friend squad, or is your partner awkward, standoffish, or even obnoxious?

You Open Up to Each Other

How much do you really know about the person you’re seeing? When you’re dating someone, you’ll both want to open up to each other and share personal stories and anecdotes in order to get to know each other better and connect on a deeper level. When you're both emotionally investing in each other by revealing more about who you are as a person, this is a clear sign that you're dating. This applies to your daily life, too—someone you're dating knows what you're doing and how you're feeling on a day-to-day basis. "This person knows about aspects of your personal life," says Dr. Allen. "Basically, you are brought into the loop of important events in your person’s life: wedding, funerals, moving to a new location, promotions, and celebrated successes."

However, if you find that you don’t know very much about your partner beyond the superficial and feel like they are secretive about their routines or past, aloof, or emotionally unavailable to you, then you’re not really dating. This person is choosing to keep you at a distance and opting to put up barriers, rather than trying to build upon your connection and bring you closer together. 

You’ve Had the Talk

If you’re trying to determine if you and your partner are dating, you can always choose to sit down and have a real conversation about the current status of your relationship. While it may seem scary or intimidating at first, it’s important that you act as your own advocate and speak up for yourself about what you’d like to have with this person going forward—you just might find that they feel the same way. "Too much of the drama in new relationships is about guessing, double-guessing, and triple-guessing what the other person wants, making both people feel crazy. So use your words," suggests Tuckman.

How to Tell Someone You Want to Date Them

So, how exactly should that dating conversation go? Dr. Allen encourages a candid approach: "If you have not talked about dating expectations before you began dating, then I recommend you schedule a time to talk openly and honestly about your experiences in dating each other," she says. "Let them know that you are ready for next steps of a future together. This conversation will offer some kind of insight about where your person is, beyond dating. Based on what you hear, you can decide if the dating phase will go to the next level or end."

Okerayi recommends opening the conversation by sharing that you have enjoyed the past few weeks together—then be super direct. "Share that you want a relationship and can see this leading into one. Do they think the same thing? What are their thoughts on being in a relationship in this phase of their life?" She also suggests having this conversation in person—and "remembering that you are more than deserving of everything that you want, even if this person cannot provide it for you."