If you are reading this, chances are you’ve got a nude on your hands. Maybe even a baker’s dozen or so of them, depending on the propensity of the sender to really go all out during a session. The splendor of the nude image has found its way into your life, you lucky rapscallion, you. There are instructions for what you must do upon receipt of this nude but first, take a moment to be serenely grateful for it. Behold that nude and thank whichever god, idol, or Hadid sibling you worship for selecting you, a humble farmer or social media manager, as the recipient of this delicate erotic gift.
But verily I say unto you, take heed of these commandments I deliver unto you for how you might care for your nudes. Treat them well, lest you be sucked into the Lake of Fire where surely you shall join the amateur porn avengers from the internet bogs, a lifetime’s walk from the paradise of the flesh where a well-cared-for nude delivers thee.
It should go without saying that receiving a nude should be a source of excitement, gratitude, and euphoria. But there are many who see fit to put off responses to nudes for several hours or sometimes not respond at all. Like sociopaths and people who prefer Coke Zero to all other carbonated beverages, these degenerates walk among us. Do not be one of them.
When you receive a nude, your response should be both: (1) immediate, as there is no time for dilly-dallying when it comes to demonstrating your delight and (2) specific & thorough, meaning I don’t mean you need to write a sonnet about a butt or draw comparisons to the Botticelli, only that “Hot” or “Sexy” will not do. Emoji responses are acceptable so long as they are not in the singular form: a single eggplant or heart-eyed cat will not suffice. You must tell a story with the emojis, demonstrate a feeling, use a combination of suggestive foods, pleased faces, and at least one that indicates danger (fire, shooting stars, the red alarm).
Between the hours of 10:30 p.m. and 9 a.m., it is perfectly acceptable to not respond immediately to a nude. In any other hour of the day, you have 60 minutes maximum to respond. Sorry, buddy — “I wasn’t looking at my phone!” is not a good excuse. First because it is usually a lie, and secondly because if you’re currently having relations, however casual, with someone who sends nudes, you should be diligent about keeping your phone close by.
To those rare few who really, truly do not look at their phones for hours: congratulations on missing your flash flood warnings and Amber alerts. I hope you’re happy when you get swept into the East River for failing to heed warnings and cause the death of a child you totally saw at the bodega but didn’t know was actually a captive.
If someone sends you a photograph of their ass, marvelous in shape and hearty in girth, your response should not be for an alternative body part. If you receive an adequate but not entirely alluring dick pic, you don’t get to demand a do-over like some sort of maniacal Romanian gymnastics coach expecting perfect form. The sender of the nude chose an angle, body part, and lighting that made them feel attractive and worth sharing with you. That’s a nice thing, an intimate thing. Don’t ruin it by trying to turn it into a “Choose Your Own Adventure” game. If you want to see someone fist themselves or straight-up show, like, full and proper asshole, there is pornography for that. Bing is excellent for this purpose (yes, real people use Bing for an actual purpose and that purpose is being horny). You aren’t the director here, you’re the audience. Pipe down, there might be a good part coming up.
Plenty of foolish and undeserving ne'er-do-wells have been on the receiving end of my glorious nudes. However, these miscreants grew tired of my habit of always asking if it was OK to send them before sending a flurry of them. Why, you ask, do I always ask? This is because consent is mandatory, even outside the context of skin-to-skin contact.
Saying, “Just send them any time!” seems like a good idea so you can get straight to the NC-17 stuff without giving permission, but the truth is, I will sit around and wait for your grandmother to die and send you a crotch shot at her funeral to teach you a lesson about why asking for permission is always cool.
This concept is among the hardest things for people to wrap their heads around but sending a nude does not mean I want to have sex with you. It should not signal to you that you are invited over. It should not signal to you that I got naked because I was thinking of you specifically.
Chances are, you have received plenty of nudes from a person’s “Greatest Hits” collection that has been sent far and wide because some pussy was just meant to see the world through the lens of various phone screens. Part of the aim of sending a nude can be to make you horny (duh), but part of it is just about showing off the best of your corporeal form, erotic and enticing despite — and in defiance of — the fact that we are all just decaying matter, marching toward death. If someone made you a macaroni necklace, you wouldn’t fucking think, “Oh, they want me to eat this macaroni.” You feel me? Good.
You have perhaps heard of a pernicious practice plaguing the otherwise unadulterated joy of sending nudes. It is called “revenge porn” in The Common Tongue, but really it is just men whose masculinity is so hollow and inconsistent that they get awesome nudes from a person (most often a lady, though this gross phenomenon certainly occurs across the gender spectrum). She somehow then scorns our Lead Male and he releases them into an internet bog where swamp-assed mouth-breathers, most of whom still don’t realize Fight Club was meant as painful irony, can cheer on the distribution of these images.
Sharing someone else’s nudes is illegal and if you think you can get away with it because you’re going to share nudes without faces or visible tattoos, think again. You grossly underestimate the number of justice-hungry broads who will identify themselves in the photos and even assume a splay-legged squat in the nude Dior pumps they wore in the original photo to recreate the image in a court of motherfucking law if they have to. (They won’t have to, that doesn’t happen in courts of law. But my meaning remains: the victim will find a way to have it prosecuted.)
Receiving a nude and then sharing it doesn’t make you have the upper hand, it just proves that you had a hot babe on your hands and your only case for defaming her is proving she was, indeed, naked under her clothes. Sharing that shit minimally or broadly doesn’t make you macho. It makes you the world’s most willing cuck, and that makes approximately no one want to get naked for you ever again.
More stories about Hot Singles in Your Area:
- How to Take a Dick Pic That Actually Looks Good
- A Beginner's Guide to Talking Dirty — Without Feeling Awkward
- This Dude's Reason for Sending Unsolicited Dick Pics Makes No Sense
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