Ode to Julius Caesar, who came, saw and conquered
I can’t ever get over just how insane the life of Julius Caesar was… And I want to dive into it just a little bit. Just, savor the sheer awesomeness of this man. The forces that drove him. The powerful drive. And the amazing places it took him, all over the then-known world. The things he did in his short life were absolutely spectacular.
Imagine being a young priest, in Rome. You almost get killed by a Roman dictator over your in his eyes unacceptable choice of bride. You leave the priesthood and have a career in the military. You win your nation’s equivalent of the Medal of Honor (a grass crown) and it allows you to join the senate at twenty when you otherwise would have had to wait until thirty to be elligible.
You get kidnapped by pirates while serving as an officer. You tell them you want them to ask a higher ransom for you because you are “important” and tell them you will have all of them crucified when you are free. They laugh at you, your family pays… and then you return and defeat the, crucifying all the pirates. You serve as an officer for years, make it to the rank of general. You fight and help defeat Spartacus, the Gauls, the British and Germanic tribes. You went to England… and to Egypt. You banged the Egyptian pharaoh, Cleopatra, and knock her up.
Whenever in Rome you also bang all your rival’s wives and daughters like it’s sport. Once an Eastern king is so smitten by your good looks he allows Rome to inherit his whole nation. In later life, you win a civil war. Defeat all your enemies, or so you think. Declare yourself the undisputed leader of Rome. Your motto? “I came, I saw, I conquered”. How badass can one man be, I wonder. While physically a strapping lad, you secretly suffer from bouts of epilepsy that can get quite severe and cause some to believe you are “cursed” but you carry on like a trooper anyway, because that’s the sort of bloke you are — your capabilities definine you, never your limitations.
You’re just 55 years old when a bunch of jealous senators who can’t handle your Big Dick Energy stab you to death… two of them rumored to be your bastard sons as you once slept with their mums. Your great-nephew Augustus then becomes the founder of the Roman Empire forever cementing your immortal legacy.