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Barwop bubow, beowip bow! Let's Play Young Merlin!
What is this game?
Well, judging from the cover:
You control an ugly cyborg wizard with a hideous beard who smugly performs magic tricks for slightly less ugly blob creatures.
Fortunately, this is just another case of the cover art not having much to do with the actual game. Well, Merlin's blond and and can shoot stars and bubbles, but he's not wearing that ugly robe (or beard). Also, instead of being a jerk like in the cover art, ingame Merlin is the most effeminate hero this side of Tingle. Those creatures aren't in the actual game either, thank god.
Young Merlin was developed by Westwood and released in 1993 for the SNES.
It plays somewhat similar to the top-town Zelda games (minus the well-designed dungeons and most anything that makes them interesting). You fight enemies in real-time with different spells, use items at the right spots, solve other simple puzzles and use primitive fantasy skateboards.
The game's infamous for not featuring any written dialog. Instead, everything is conveyed via pictures and silly grunting noises (hence the thread title).
The plot's pretty pathetic too. The Shadow King is threatening the land and Merlin has to kick his ass. Oh, at some point a woman gets kidnapped too. That's it.
On the bright side, the graphics and the music are pretty nice and the game does have a certain charme.
Table of Contents
Intro.
Chapter 01 - Strange new old world
Chapter 01 - Strange new old world
As we begin the game, we find Young Merlin hanging out in front of his little house, enjoying himself being sexy (look at those abs!) and living in a version of medieval Britain that's much more awesome than the real thing ever was. But suddenly, he hears someone falling into the river!
A Damsel in distress minor inconvenience! Being the quick-witted youth he is, Merlin
tells her to use her fucking arms.
throws her a rope.
jumps right after her! 
That doesn't turn out to be the best idea though, because
SHIIIIIIITT!!!
Miraculously, Merlin survives being swept down that subterranean waterfall, but as he regains consciousness...
He finds himself in a strange new world. The trees, the grass, the water... everything looks exactly like in his own world. No really, this is supposed to be a different, enchanted land. I guess the developers couldn't be arsed to create a different background for that ten second intro.
Music: Rainbow Land
There's no sign of the girl, but at least we got a huge fucking gem out of it.
What's that Merlin? You want me to press Y? Sure why not...
Oh what the fuck!?
Oh hey, wait. The gem turned into our first attacking spell: the Shooting Star!
Whenever we find a gem, we can throw it into the rainbow pool and the Lady of the Lake will use it to create a magical item for us!
Let's watch the Shooting Star spell in action:
it'll have do for now.
Those flowers down there are blocking our way. Unfortunately, the Shooting Star won't hurt them, but it seems like Merlin wants to check out something else anyway. (Those annoying ?help messages? will stop showing up very soon. Who the hell thought that anyone would need directions at this point? I mean, we have like 10 m? of space here!)
Oh look, it's a living tree! It sure looks friendly. I wonder if it will help us with those fl
Oh goddamnit! Fine. If that's how you want it!
After stuffing his face with stars, the tree explodes and two Meanies pop out.
Meanies are the Shadow King's minions. They can combine to create larger monsters or infest friendly creatures and turn them against us.
Apart from that, they will also entertain us with their wacky antics, and for that reason (and because Meanies is a dumb name) we'll call them Brownies (in an homage to the best fantasy film of all times).
Behind the tree we find another gem and a bottle. We can fill up the bottle at certain places. The rainbow water restores one measely heart, but that's good enough for now.
The gem gets turned into Stun Dust, which will freeze enemies for about two seconds - and we just got ourselves an infinite supply of it!
Merlin is a fast learner! Note how the rainbow over the pond grows with every gem we throw in. It's one of those small, decorative touches that Merlin enjoys.
We use the Stun Dust right away to get past those flowers.
A bit further to the east we find another spring. The water from which will replenish three hearts.
Merlin can't just walk past all these lovely flowers without picking at least one.
Venturing further, we run into more enemies. They're called Oinkmers and are easily defeated with our Stun Dust/Shooting Star combo. Also, I suspect that one of the developers got their fat kid to supply the sound effect when they get hit.
Sometimes they'll drop hearts (that replenish some health) or shamrocks. Collecting 12 shamrocks will completely restore Merlin's health or turn him invincible for a while. They respawn infinitely, so let's move on.
Further down, we find our first heart container. You're probably thinking that they'll increase our max HP, and if you are, you're totally right too! Many of them can be found just lying around, but a few are pretty well hidden. It's even possible to screw yourself out of getting all of them.
Suddenly, a hatchet comes flying at Merlin! Who's attacking him?
Oh, it's a goon, lmbo! No, actually, it's... THUNDER PIG! The first boss in the game sports a wicked mowhawk and medium length armpit hair. His attacks include sitting on his ass and throwing boomerang hatches. According to the manual he's "one of the Shadow King's more effective creations, the Thunder Pig rules the oinkmers with an iron hoof and a sharp cleaver." 
He's also weak and stuck in the tutorial section of the game. So even if you do manage to run out of health (as I did while waiting for the slow-ass screen to center), your health is restored to half a heart immediately. Poor Thunder Pig never had a chance.
The hatchet can actually do a decent amount of damage (mostly because Merlin doesn't believe in invincibility phases and can get hit several times per second), but the Stun Dust/Shooting Star combo will take him out pretty quickly:
Your ass is roast beef 
As Thunderpig explodes into Brownies, we witness a cutscene:
A fairy (Chime) is happily flying around a pool, enjoying her reflection in the water, because that's not narcissistic at all, when suddenly...
Brownies appear, holding a crystal frame. What are they up to?
They're stealing Chime's reflection! What the hell do they want with... Nevermind. Forget that I said anything. Clearly, this will not stand! We have to help Chime.
Here's a video of the boss-battle and cutscene.
But first, a beauteous woman appears. It's the playmyte of the year the Lady of the Lake!
She's trying to tell Merlin something, but he can't understand a damn thing she says. Looks like we're on our own helping Chime getting her reflection back - in the next chapter.